Following a show Friday night at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada, a fan has filed a lawsuit against the rapper claiming he assaulted him after asking for an autograph.

“My client, Bryan Johnson, was assaulted by Mr. Graham after his show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena Friday night. He addressed the rapper as ‘the kid from Degrassi’ and after a verbal altercation, Graham punched Johnson on the left side of the face with enough force to leave a black eye and tore the picture of himself he was asked to sign in half.” Johnson’s lawyer, William Foster, wrote in an e-mail outlining the basis of the lawsuit.

“Bryan is not looking for attention from the lawsuit, but he does feel that Drake overreacted and has damaged his reputation. There were a lot of fans that saw the altercation, and something like that can be very demeaning.” A spokesman for Johnson said earlier this evening, after the lawsuit went public this afternoon.

Just a few months ago Drake was on the verge of another lawsuit when a club manager was arrested after a party for the rapper ended with a “massive cloud of pot smoke.”

The case is likely to be settled silently outside of court, as tends to be the norm for lawsuits attacking the Young Money label.

No one from the label was available for comment.

Verendus Daily

“Twitter hackers are notorious for breaking into rapper’s accounts and using them to attack other rappers.” Says Twitter guru Michael Hollandz. Much like what happened to the Game and his account last July, or the attack on Lil Wayne’s last January, Kanye’s account was hacked with the intention of fulfilling someone else’s agenda. “These hackers never really face any repercussions; it’s all harmless stuff and the rappers don’t care enough to follow through. Most of them just want to move on.”

After going unnoticed for months tweeting links to websites, the hacker picked up his (or her) pace with the release of Kanye’s new single, Theraflu. “Often times the hacker will hold-off on an attack for a few weeks, sometimes even sharing the account with its owner. They feel it out and see how well the account is being monitored.” Hollandz says of the hacker’s dormancy on the account.

Since the hacker has picked up their pace, the Twittersphere has been on fire with fans accusing Kanye West of being a “sell-out” for plugging Theraflu in his tweets, claiming the account has been compromised, and going so far even as to blame his focus on Kim for allowing the hack to happen in the first place.

Kanye West is a sell out

— Juney Grove (@ImJustTez) April 26, 2012

“To be completely honest, I don’t really pay attention to Kanye unless he’s getting in trouble somewhere. When the accusations started coming in I didn’t think anything of it, Kanye has done stranger things to get my attention and abusing his Twitter account is no exception.” Tesoriero said in an e-mail late last week. “We contacted the support team at Twitter and they’re looking into it. At this time, and to the best of my knowledge, Kanye is not responsible for any of the Tweets after January of this year.”

Kanye West is notorious for re-writing the publicity handbook, but this is a long way from his normal routine. Until the support team at Twitter can sort this mess out, the world will have to live without his groundbreaking business plans.

I noticed a trend of girls complaining about not having a date for their big night, and got an idea for a get rich quick scheme. Or at least a get some cheap laughs scheme.

I hopped onto Craigslist and set myself up with a quick little posting, just to see how desperate some of these girls might be.

You can find the posting here, until it gets pulled. As always, I’ve included the full text below.

“LADIES! Have you been holding out for that super cute guy to ask you to prom, but he never did? Are all the cute guys taken? Do you need a date so you won’t look like a loser?
WELL LOOK NO FURTHER!

I have over 6 years of being an exceptional boyfriend and I’m willing to share that with you!
For one night only I will be your prom date! At the end of the night we don’t ever have to see each other again!
I am professional, funny, and a real good-looker!
I can even make that super cute guy super jealous when he sees how much fun you’re having!

MOTHERS!

Don’t worry about your daughters!
I am a fully insured bodyguard and I personally guarantee your daughter is safe with me!

PROM IS ALMOST HERE!

Bookings are filling up fast!
Contact me today to book your date or for a full list of references!
All services offered FREE OF CHARGE! All I ask is that my ticket, dinner, and suit rental costs be covered!”

Grab whatever liquor and beer you can muster up, a webcam ready laptop, and log on to Chatroulette.com. Be warned, this isn’t for the light of heart. Or liver.

Rules:

• Take a shot when you see a dick.
• Drink when someone’s bio includes the phrase ‘ladies only.’
• Drink when partner has no webcam.
• Shotgun a beer when you see a bro.
• Drink twice when partner asks to see tits.
• Take a shot for every bong rip.
• Drink whenever you see Justin Bieber (believe me, he’s on there a lot).
• Take a shot every time your partner looks depressed.
• Drink if your partner looks like they’re 12 years old or younger.
• Drink if you see man boobs.
• Drink when you get nexted.
• Drink twice when you get flipped off.
• Take a shot if your partner draws a penis.
• Drink if you see a doppelgänger.
• Drink if your partner is playing an instrument.
• Take a shot if someone holds up weed/alcohol/cocaine.
• Drink if your partner is laying down.
• Drink twice if your partner speaks another language.
• Drink if a game of tic-tac-toe starts out of no where.

Verendus Daily

“He was trying to get free drinks at the bar and was severely intoxicated.” Dancer Bethany “Candy” Jones recounts the moments leading up to the confession. “I walked up to him and tried to calm him down. He started yelling in my face, saying he could kill me. ‘I’ve killed before, I’ll do it again!’ he screamed at me. I called for Tyrone when he grabbed me by the arms. I was scared.”

Bouncer Tyrone Fields was the first to hear the confession, and was able to record it thanks to the club’s policies. “My client approached Mr. Shlomi when he was summoned by Ms. Jones and asked him to leave. Mr. Shlomi did not comply, struck the dancer, and then tried to flee. My client apprehended Mr. Shlomi near the rear exit and held him in the detainment room until police arrived. While they waited for the police, Mr. Shlomi bragged about getting away with the murder of Billy Mays in his home in June of 2009.”

“We take these things very seriously. Vince Shlomi had information pertaining not only to Mays’ death but also to an ongoing investigation with the DEA regarding a specific type of cocaine known as OxiCaine that was connected to Mays. ” Lead investigator for the murder case, Sergeant Peter Banas with the Tampa police department, said in a late afternoon press conference. “Shlmoi has signed a full confession in Boston and is being transferred to our jurisdiction right this moment.”

William Tryver, a source close to the ShamWow superstar spoke out about the relationship between the two pitchmen hours before his own arrest. “You think you can live like that doing commercials? No way. These guys were big time. They were cutting that OxiClean stuff Billy sold with coke and selling it all over the east coast. They called it OxiCaine and it was the best stuff out there.  Billy wanted to go bigger, push into the mid-western market and aim for the west coast. Vince didn’t, and Billy didn’t like that.”  Tryver says Shlomi has always blamed Mays for his April 2009 assault charges on alleged prostitute Sasha Harris. “After their falling out Billy tried to take Vince down. Vince always said Billy paid Sasha to set him up like that. He blamed Billy for ruining his reputation in the industry and the drug world. He never let it go. ”

The DEA have been investigating Mays in connection with the flow of OxiCaine along the east coast since his death. “It was this unique blend that was found in Mr. Mays’ system during his autopsy and several ounces were found in his home.” DEA agent James Carmichael said in the same press conference. “Vince Shlomi has been a person of interest in the investigation since early 2010. This confession will help us get OxiCaine off the streets once and for all. This is a great start to the new year for us.”

A spokesman for the Mays’ family was unreachable.

Shlomi’s lawyer declined comment.

Verendus Daily

A small number of those, authorities warn, will be out in force somewhere in the area of Agawam center. “There’s going to be a cult meeting here sometime this afternoon. We don’t know where, or when. We’re cooperating with the National Cult Task Force on this, but we only know so much.” Sergeant Louis Placzek said of the group expected to make an arrival later today. “These people are expecting there world to end and could be extremely dangerous. They see themselves as not having anything to lose. The whole situation could turn hostile very fast.”

“People don’t get it. This is it. We’re not meant to be here.” Steve Parcelli, president of Americans from Tomorrow, urges the organization’s members to spread his message during the ‘final days’ in an e-mail he sent out earlier this week. “We need to be prepared for anything. Pay attention to what you see in the news. Pay attention to what you see everyday. The end is already here, but it is uncertain when it will find us.”

Americans from Tomorrow is a national organization based out of Agawam, MA which is run by their president Steve Parcelli.  They’ve gained national attention in the past few months as their membership has swelled to 4.3 million members, more than quadruple what they were this time last year. “People are opening their eyes. They’ve seen the signs and they’re reacting. We can guarantee their protection. Steven has an insight into the future and can lead us to safety.” The group’s spokesman, Bradley Foster, said in a recent phone interview.

The organization traditionally holds an annual New Year’s Eve party at their headquarters in the Feeding Hills section in Agawam which is typically open to all members. This year, however, they intend to ring in the new year with a select group of members who have paid a premium fee, and jumped through a series of hoops. “This isn’t about the money.” Foster said when asked about the fee, “Every penny goes to the organization. That’s how it always has been. You can’t operate something this big with no funds. It’s how it has to be.”

What this fee is paying for is a chance at one space in what their website describes as “a top-of-the line survival center.” Members pay $3,500 and are then entered into a lottery type system for a space in the center. “Realistically we can’t let everyone in. That would be impossible. We have millions of members and there is no feasible way to accommodate all of them. This is the best system.”

Foster says only two dozen members will be selected from the lottery and given a meet-up point for an escort the heavily guarded location of the center.

The drawing was held early Thursday morning. Members are expected to arrive late this afternoon with another $3,500 in cash and nothing else.

“Americans from Tomorrow is the most elaborate cult of our time,” according to Phil Grives, director of the northeastern division of the National Cult Task Force. “We’ve been on Parcelli’s trail for months now and have finally narrowed down the location of this bunker to somewhere within a twenty-five mile radius of Agawam center. We have agents in the field and have the full cooperation of local police departments. This will all be over before the end of the year. I guarantee it.”

“Parcelli is extremely personable and well-liked by his followers, as all cult leaders tend to be. But he is dangerous. What he’s going to do is essentially kidnap these folks. Parcelli has them brainwashed, they’re not acting in their best judgment. He’s been silently running from the IRS on charges of tax evasion for years and is wanted in Corvallis, Oregon in connection with a string of murders under the name David Wilberson. This is not a man to be crossed.”

Matthew Lackey, the lawyer representing Parcelli, was reached via e-mail earlier this morning. “There is no evidence linking Mr. Parcelli to any cult. Americans from Tomorrow is a legitimate organization operating within the confines of the law helping American citizens prepare for uncertain times. These claims linking him to a decade old murder investigation in Oregon are outlandish, at best. My client has been peacefully operating his organization out of his location in Agawam for years now. These claims by the Task Force have driven him into hiding and caused him to fear for his life.” He refused to address the claims of tax evasion.

Calls to Steve Parcelli’s home went unreturned. He was only reachable through the organization’s spokesman, Foster. “Steven has nothing to hide from. He is busy with last minute preparations on the survival center. Tonight marks a new chapter for us. It’s a crucial step for the future of mankind and he wants everything to be perfect.”

Grives urges anyone that may witness unusual activity in Agawam or surrounding towns to contact their toll free tip hotline at 1-800-678-9432.

Working in an office somewhere, begrudgingly slaving away to a computer screen and documents formatted in .doc extensions, your attempts to access Facebook foiled at every turn by aggressive company firewalls?

Maybe you’re a little more optimistic and you expect to work for yourself, building a business from the ground up,  fighting to build a brand in an over saturated market while you fend of debt collectors when things start to go sour.

What you do after college to pay off those astronomical student loans can be much more invigorating than you think, and won’t leave you scouring the internet for a time machine as you long for one last frat party.

Drawing off the experiences of our past lives, these are five jobs that you don’t need a college education for, and that will exponentially increase your bank account.

1. Expert Baby Namer

Dave has been helping parents-to-be name their babies for the past seven years. In that time he has released several books loaded with names that are good for babies and has been a consultant for such celebrity babies as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter Suri, Fred Durst’s son Dallas, and Owen Wilson’s son Robert. “It’s not as easy as most people think. I have to sit here with these parents – many of whom pay thousands of dollars – and give them a name they’re going to love for the rest of that child’s life. It’s gut-wrenching. But it’s super rewarding.”

Dave has been known to fetch as much as $10,000 from one name, the highest amount at it’s time in 2003 to ever be paid to a baby namer in the United States. “It’s actually a lot cooler than most people think. I get paid my fee, which varies by the uniqueness level the parents are looking for, then I also get reimbursed for all my travel costs – I go out and spend a week with the parents, usually sometime during the first trimester. I always wanted to get paid to travel and meeting new people is something I’ve always loved. It’s been a great job.”

Nowadays, Dave is in a state of semi-retirement as he mainly works as a consultant for high profile babies. Rumor has it the new royal couple already have him on retainer, but Dave refuses to confirm or deny that claim. “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me either way. But I hear the fee is somewhere in the half-million dollar range.”

2. Video Game Tester

Remember how long it took for Duke Nukem Forever to come out? Remember how many delays and push-backs its release date got? “Yeah, I did that. There was this one glitch that drove me crazy. I refused to sign off until they fixed it.” Lola talks about one of the hardest projects of her career: being the lead game tester for Duke Nukem Forever. “The worst part is the test groups agreed with me but the designers wouldn’t budge. I didn’t even get credit for it in the end.”

Lola got into the world of video game testing during her senior year of high school when she started sending in reviews of the games she was playing to game designers, giving them advice on how to improve sequels and expansions. “This was before the time of wirelessly updated game patches. This was hard work. I’d play a game through and take notes for every level then I’d write a review and send it in. Some of them were forty pages or more which isn’t a big deal, but I almost never heard back from the design teams. Eventually they realized I was picking up on the little things they were supposed to notice and I wasn’t just some crazed fan. That got the conversation started.”

Lola is now the highest paid video game tester in the Northeast. “It’s probably the best job in the world.”

3. Ice Cream Designer

The world of ice cream flavors isn’t all chocolate and vanilla. If you’ve ever been inside an ice cream parlor, you know it’s much more colorful than that. But who is responsible for all those crazy flavors, often hand-written on a giant menu board? “I remember back in the ’90s, when I was working at a mom and pop ice cream shop a Baskin Robbins opened up down the road. My boss was freaking out thinking we were done for. He asked all the employees to come up with some new flavors of ice cream. He thought the right flavor would save the business. That flavor I came up with, that saved his business. Not six months after he revealed it, the Baskin Robbins shut their doors and opened up shop in the next town over.”

Brad designed ice cream flavors for ten years after that fateful day before he retired a multi-millionaire.

“That wasn’t even all I did. People always ask me what flavors I designed and honestly, I don’t know! I design these flavors then sell them to the smaller ice cream companies. I get royalty payments and they get all the rights to tweak and rename the design. I will say though that the original bubble gum flavor, with bits of bubble gum in it, that was mine.”

Brad’s ice cream expertise, and more than half his fortune, aren’t entirely based around ice cream flavors. “Remember back in 1997 when your ice cream wasn’t melting as fast?” I can hear Brad laughing over the phone as he pauses for effect. “I did that. I came up with a way for thicker ice cream which wouldn’t melt as fast. I still own all the rights to that one. It’s my baby.”

4. Soda Taster

Have you ever gotten a bad bottle of soda? Think about it. Have you ever been parched beyond belief, popped open a can of your favorite soda, and spit it out in as fit of distaste? “Yeah, I didn’t think so.” That’s because Shane has been working behind the scenes for years as a fourth generation head soda tester in the business that has propelled his family to multi-billion dollar fame.

“When I was a kid, soda was all we drank. My mom would serve dinner with three or four different kinds of soda and we weren’t allowed to leave the table until we tried each one. It was awesome.”

When Shane’s father took a leave of absence to be with his mother during her bout with breast cancer, Shane was thrust to the top of the company. The business handles contracts from soda makers around the world, sending testers to their facilities to test a sample of each line produced. ”It’s a lot of responsibility, but I’ve been around it all my life so it’s really not that bad.”

He’s not just a trust-fund kid runny daddy’s business, Shane is actually something of a legend in the industry.  ”When I was a freshmen in high school I started on the pay-roll as tester. I applied with a fake name and everything – I didn’t want special treatment. By the time I was a junior, I was a nationally recognized tester. That’s a big feat. Think of three professional soda testers you know. You can’t. I changed the way soda is tested. I made it an art.”

It’s not a field for everyone, but if you have a great dental plan and no hereditary predisposition to diabetes, being a soda tester is one of the highest paid jobs in the country. If you’re good. “You’ve got to really love soda. I don’t mean you go to the movies and order a large soda every week, I mean you’ve got to really love soda.” He emphasis the last three words by getting off the couch and pouring a couple glasses of orange soda. “Soda is in my blood. I can’t fight that.”

5. Cat Clothing Fashion Model

Okay, this one is admittedly a bit of a gag, but let’s be real, who hasn’t taken their cat (or dog even!) and dressed them up in  some cute little outfit just because it’s the most adorable thing in the world? I know I have and when Dave adopted his fat cat last spring, my cell phone started vibrating uncontrollably with images of The Dude in all kinds of clothing.

Dave and I eventually started a Tumblr dedicated to The Dude and his unique fashion sense. The account ultimately had to be deleted for legal reasons, but not before it grabbed the attention of Mary Drake, an up-and-coming cat clothing designer with an eye for plus sized cats. “When I saw The Dude in his Larry Bird jersey and headband, I knew I needed to work with him. The way he captured the beauty of the outfits without sacrificing his feline integrity was perfect!”

The Dude now works exclusively with Ms. Drake, modeling her line of cat athletic wear for plus sized cats.

While The Dude doesn’t really have much to say about anything, Dave is quick to note that he receives quite a bit of fan mail from other cats and their owners. “There’s a quite bit of good-looking women who like this kind of thing. That and being able to hire a professional litter scooper are the biggest perks for me. The Dude just likes all the attention, I don’t think he realizes he’s worth almost a quarter million dollars now.”

These aren’t jobs for everyone, and they certainly aren’t jobs you can just submit an application for. But they are jobs held by five people who have gone out and followed their dreams. Five people who have made a name for themselves in a way that your high school guidance counselor or college advisor would never suggest.

The moral of the story, boys and girls, is dare to do what you love. The fame and fortune will follow if you’re not afraid to succeed.

1. I Am the Master of My Time, Dave Doesn’t Control His.

Dave has a girlfriend which means every time he wants to do something he needs to run it by her.

It’s not uncommon for me to call Dave on a Tuesday night to see if he wants to hit up a club and find some women with certain moral deficiencies to take home and spend the night with. It usually results in one of those awkward third-party phone conversations as he argues with his girlfriend in the background and me going to the club on my own.

I can’t count the times I’ve rolled up to Dave’s house on a Saturday afternoon to work on a project and he’s elbows deep in knitting matching sweaters with Lola. Not one to bail on prearranged plans, I usually get dragged in and stagger out hours later with a custom hand-knit scarf matching their sweaters.  I get there’s a certain feeling of accomplishment in successfully tricking an attractive member of the opposite sex into a domestic relationship, but are those fresh homemade pies and feelings of compassion really worth sacrificing the freedom of the position you can leave the toilet seat in?

The thrill of not knowing what venereal diseases I could wake up with is far more invigorating than having someone to curl up with on a cold winter night.

2. I’m a Culinary Legend, Dave Can’t Boil Water.

One time while I was in my kitchen whipping up some chocolate fudge from the instructions on a jar of marshmallow fluff, Dave called. He was freaking out because he had no idea how to boil the water he needed to put together a dish of Kraft Easy Mac because his girlfriend refused to make him his usual afternoon pie.

Always eager to demonstrate my culinary prowess, I invited Dave over for a quick lesson on how to boil water. I realized it was worse than I thought when he brought over the frying pan he was trying to heat the water in. I quickly abandoned all notions of using my homemade fudge to win the affection of newly released female inmates at the women’s correctional facility down the road and leant Dave my assistance.

Before long we were sharing a bowl of macaroni and cheese and my rich chocolate fudge intended for my lady law-breakers to celebrate my dominance, once more, over Dave.

3. I Appreciate Musical Variety, Dave Doesn’t.

When Dave and I embarked on our first cross-country road trip I was taken aback by the poor selection of music on his iPod. It only took a few seconds of flipping through his tracks to see that he was one of the most die-hard Justin Bieber fans I had come across – that was the only artist to appear anywhere on his iPod! He even had bootleg versions of his early YouTube tracks videos of his live performances. It should have been obvious much sooner, but I naively assumed Dave’s obsession with flashy wind breakers, tight jeans, high-top sneakers, and popped collars were signs of his reluctance to enter the real world.

Not wanting to fall prey to the satanic sounds of a prepubescent boy, I took control and pumped the angelic sounds of Lil Wayne through the car’s system. My iPod filled with years of Lil Wayne tracks didn’t even last us halfway before Dave got sick of listening to the never ending variety of the world’s greatest artist and flushed it down a toilet at a rest stop somewhere in Ohio.

Dave’s inability to appreciate a truly talented and accomplished musician was so offensive that we drove in silence all the way through Indiana, where we finally realized talk radio was the only compromise we could reach. To this day we don’t talk about that road-trip but every time I try to turn him on to a new Lil Wayne track he breaks down and cries like a little baby.

4. Dave Had to Come Up With Five Lies, I Stated Three Facts.

Dave has never been known to do anything in moderation: When he went to adopt one cat he came out with five; when I ask him to bring over a six pack of light beer to jam with, he brings over a case of the heaviest stuff he can find; and when I tell Dave I’m better than him at something, he makes up five things he thinks he’s better at and posts it on the internet.

I understand ‘there’s safety in numbers’ and ‘the more the merrier’ and all that but when Dave asks for a loan to buy seven snow tires because he spent all his money on four iPhones, I need to draw the line.

Dave’s relentless enthusiasm for all things internet is more than a bit exhausting, but without it this site would be dead in the water. Sure, I’m the backbone of our pioneering duo, but without his constant desire to excessively tweak every aspect of the website we’d all be looking at a white page covered with images of puppies and random links to dragon breeding websites.

With that being said, never for a second doubt that I am not responsible for more than fifty-one percent of the combined level of our awesomeness.

Step One: Dress to impress.

Before you even think about what bar you’re going to, you’ll need a wardrobe that will knock the panties off of any girl sitting at the corner of the bar shoving quarters into the arcade style solitaire game. This is where your night begins, and one wrong move know can blow the whole thing out of control.

While you’re picking out your outfit, don’t be afraid to put a few tricks up your sleeve. If it’s going to be a chilly night, bring a jacket to offer your best friend’s girl after they get into a pissing argument over who’s staying sober to drive home as you buy her the first round. When she’s lying face down on curb it will be your jacket keeping her warm. They like that kind of thing.

Even if you don’t smoke, don’t shy away from packing a lighter. Some of the hottest chicks sucking down nicotine like it’s oxygen outside the bar are always looking for a light. You can be the guy that was there when she needed someone.

Step Two: Arrive with a purpose.

Whether it’s a nightclub in the middle of a college town or a bar on outskirts of the city, you want to act like you own the place. Girls are vicious animals and can smell confidence from miles away.

As soon as you walk through those front doors you need to start exuding confidence from every orifice of your body. There needs to be confidence excreting from your pores; that much confidence. If you roll with a crew immediately establish yourself as the alpha male by punching your buddies in the arm, demand drinks from them, and loudly put down their life choices. If you fly solo, start demanding things from the bartender and pick a fight with the smallest bouncer. Do whatever you can to establish dominance over everyone.

Women instinctively recognize the alpha male and the weakest male in a crowd like they have some sort of internal Marauder’s Map. Make the right choices.

Step Three: Put out the vibe.

Once you’ve established yourself as an alpha male you’re work has just begun. Make a beeline straight for the dance floor for the real work.

Chicks go to bars to get drunk, dance, and grind up on some nasty without being hit on. It makes absolutely no sense but they hate it when dudes force themselves in the way of a precariously executed bootie bounce but they get full reign to rub that sweet apple bottom on whatever crotch they choose. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out: get your own groove on and let the ladies come to you.

Throw down a few killer moves, start a mosh circle, or break out your old refrigerator box and start breakdancing – whatever it takes to keep that alpha male tag on your collar and let the ladies know you’ve got the moves like Jagger. In no time you’ll be in the middle of ass grinding sandwich so sweet you’ll leave with diabetes.

Step Four: Lock it down.

There’s a small harem of women spread out across the bar with their eye on you after you killed it on the dance floor. With so much potential pussy pulsating (sorry kids) it can be hard to make a decision, but a respectable man takes only one prize.

Hell, a lot of those women are probably just looking for a few free drinks and an easy self-esteem boost. You need to weed these out with some well placed insults about their physical appearance. Stop buying them drinks and tell them mean lies about their bodies. Tell the skinny girl she’s a cow and let the most fashionable one know she looks like a homeless person.

The right woman will eat this shit up. Find the one that laughs when you mock her perfect smile with lines about how jagged her teeth look and take her to your end of the bar for some one-on-one time.

Step Five: Seal the deal.

You’ve got it in the bag now, but don’t lose your cool! Your honey is sitting on your arm as you watch all the other prospects sulk back to the dance floor to grind for some second rate dude.You’re the king of the bar and you’ve got your prize ready to be conquered.

But you can still blow it; keep your cool. As you wait for last call to drop the big question you both already know the answer to, keep your attention on her while insuring she still knows you’re the alpha male. Demand a few drinks for her as you let her know how hideous all the other girls around look.Even if you have no idea where she came from, tell her you had an eye on her since she first walked in the bar.

When that bartender you’ve been abusing announces last call, pop the question as if you don’t care about her response. Let this special lady know you’ve got plenty more to drink back at your place. Just make sure she doesn’t pay for the cab ride there, that’s not something an alpha-male would do.

And that’s it. You’ve successfully locked down some lovin’ for the night and brought home a truly wild woman.

What happens in the morning when you both wake up sober with hangovers from hell is up to you. If you can’t think on your feet I’d have a solid escape plan in line about how you need to visit your cousin in the hospital or feed your grandmother’s cats across town.

Nobody likes to spend an afternoon with someone they just met.